“Fake” mothers

Last week one of my daughters was playing with a girl who–like herself– is of African descent. My sister overheard Michelle tell the other little girl, “When I was adopted…” and the other girl immediately interrupted by saying, “Wait…you’re adopted?” She seemed so startled, which my sister found humorous because I am about as pale as they come and my daughter’s skin is a beautiful, rich, dark brown. Her friend is 9 years old; old enough to recognize racial differences, yet it never occurred to her that I had not given birth to Michelle.

“Yes,” Michelle replied, and proceeded to label her birthmother as her “fake” mother. I was very puzzled by this. We have never once used that term in our home, nor have we even used the term “real” mother. I could understand if we had used the term real mother regularly, how Michelle might have deduced the term fake mother, but I am clueless as to where it came from. Instead, we have always said, “Your Haitian Mama.”

We had a little talk the next day about birth mothers and adoptive mothers. When I questioned Michelle about her use of fake, she said it is because she can’t see nor remember her Haitian mother. After much discussion, we came to the conclusion that I and her Haitian mother are both very real. One gave birth to her and the other is raising her.

I asked Michelle if she believed that Jesus and God are real. She replied that she did. When I asked how she knew, she said it is because she has felt them in her heart. We discussed how just like her Haitian mother, she can’t see or remember her life in heaven with her Heavenly Father or Jesus Christ, but also, just like her Haitian mother, they love her and are very real.

I am grateful for a religion that has taught me where I came from and where I am going after this life. I look forward to the day when I can meet the birthmothers of my adoptive children and thank them for the beautiful gift of life that they gave our children. Even though they couldn’t raise them, they gave them life and then gave me the beautiful gift of raising them.

In foster care, we often speak of “shared parenting”. It is the concept of the foster parents working together with the biological parents, as the bio parents are working their case plan in an attempt to get their children back. I’d like to think that in the next life, my children’s birth parents and I will also have shared parenting. We both played a part in these children’s lives, even though the roles were different.

I have seen studies asking if adoptive parents feel threatened by birth parents. My children’s birthparents are not in their lives, nor do we have the ability to find them. If we could, however, I don’t believe that I would feel threatened by them. Children can only benefit from having more people to love them.