Messages in Their Behavior

Yesterday I was reading an article I happened to stumble into during an unrelated search. The word “adopted” caught my attention, and, of course, I clicked on the link to the article written about Ana Sliva Mattias, the daughter of British TV reporter, Michael Nicholson, adopted after bringing her to England for life saving surgery. She is the second daughter adopted by the Nicholsons, who previously adopted a little girl in Bosnia a few years before meeting Ana in a Brazilian slum.

Throughout the article, we learn about her experiences in the Nicholson family where she vacillated between feeling a part of the family and feeling as the outsider.

Yet family life was not without its complications. Diana, who as a housewife stayed home to look after the children, was clearly closer to Natasha than Ana, having had four years to bond before the Brazilian girl arrived. By the time Ana reached 13, it began to bother her.

‘When Dad was away – which was often – I used to feel left out,’ she says. ‘The only time Diana would talk to me was when she was annoyed with Natasha.’

At the time the author interviewed Ana, she was estranged from the Nicholson family yet eager to be reunited. She had run away when her father suggested she return to Brazil.

Then he said he wanted me to meet a woman he knew who ran an orphanage in Sao Paulo.

‘He said I could earn my way working for her, that he thought that was what I wanted to do. Yes, I had said years earlier that I wanted to go back, but only in a fit of anger. He knew I didn’t mean it.’

Mr Nicholson has made clear he had no intention of sending Ana to Brazil, but, terrified that he might, she ran away that night, staying at a friend’s house.

There are many more scenarios shared by Ana in the article. Each one is from Ana’s point of view and one could assume that her family was indifferent to her, perhaps even with some resentment on all sides, but we need to remember that this is only one point of view. Even Ana herself admits that while she said one thing in a fit of anger, she really meant another.

When he was home I’d snap at him for silly things and ask him why he’d bothered to bring me to Britain,’ she says. ‘I must have sounded ungrateful, but really, I just wanted to discover my past.’

Were the Nicholsons truly indifferent or simply ignorant to what Ana truly needed from them? I would venture a guess that it is the latter. We cannot truly know what kind of education the Nicholsons have obtained about attachment difficulties and post-traumatic stress in adopted children. The article mentions that they tried counseling for Ana, but they did use traditional talk therapy or find an therapist experienced in attachment?

I can easily see how Ana felt insecure regarding her place in the family. That is very common for traumatized children and children affected by adoption. Whether it is real or perceived, their feelings are valid, and it is imperative that we are vigilant and aware that our children’s behavior may carry a message. One they may be unable to put into words.