Introducing Tana
Hi all!
We are so excited to finally be getting this project up and running! It’s been in the works for months, and we are thrilled to have the opportunity to share things that are most important to us: our faith and adoption.
I am the tremendously blessed mother of 10 amazing kids. Within 3 or 4 months, our two new Ethiopian children will join us, bringing our total to 12.
My husband and I never intended to have a very large family, and some days, I marvel over how we got to this point. If not for the guidance of our Father in Heaven, our beautiful family would never have materialized in this way.
We began our adoption journey in early 2001, when my husband and I were trying to decide whether to have a fifth child. Interestingly, it was eBay that alerted us to the possibilities of international adoption! I had listed some of my only daughter’s baby clothing, and at the close of the auctions, I received an email from one of the winners. She mentioned that she would be taking the clothing with her to pick up her daughter in China. Silly as it seems, that innocent email hit me like a ton of bricks, and within a couple of weeks, my husband and I had signed with an agency and were scheduled for our first homestudy visit!
In December of 2002, we traveled to China to pick up our sweet, 8-month-old Maren. Two years later, we found ourselves in China one more, meeting our spunky 21-month-old, Violet. Eighteen months after that, we welcomed home our three new Haitian kids: Lucy (then almost 8), Coco (18 months), and Owen (17 months). We were so sold on adoption by that point that we updated our homestudy at our first Haiti post-placement visit, and our dossier went to Ethiopia in May of 2007! Just before Christmas, we received referrals for a beautiful 12 year old girl, Samrawit, and a cute, cute, cute 15-month-old boy, whom we will call Max.
Just to keep things interesting, however, shortly after we sent our dossier to Ethiopia, we learned about our adorable little Lydia. She had been adopted from China by another family about 18 months earlier, and this family had come to the decision that they could no longer parent her. At first, the plan was for us to provide respite care while a new family was sought out, but once we had her in our home, we fell in love and discovered she was here to stay.
In addition to our adopted children, we have four fabulous birthchildren: our quiet and studious Keaton (14), livewire Zora (12), and polar opposite fraternal twins, James and Bryan (9).
And that, my friends, is how I came to be a mommy of twelve in only 15 years!
Hi, Tana! I’m excited for us to get going on this, too. Thanks so much for your intro.
justasiam
February 13, 2008
Hi,
we are considering adopting 2 girls that are from a disrupted adoption. All that i have read is frightening but i know there is always hope. i was just wondering if you could give me some wisdom on right questions to ask the parents who are disropting. The girls are from Liberia nad have been in the country for 6 months. The family has had problems since they disrupted the girl’s older brother. the girls are said to be 5 and 7 by the now parents but were referred to them as 3 and 5 year olds. Their picture looks like they are way closer to the 3 and 5 than th 5 and 7. We have 8 bio kids from 3 to 18. We would appreciate any in put from an experienced adoptive family..Thanks yo so much! cristy
cristy eirich
July 17, 2008
Cristy, you asked about adopting from disruption. I’ve done it 3 times and have also been involved in adoption – specifically international adoption for almost 20 years, African adoption for the last 5 years. Please, please, please take this very seriously. There is a REASON this family is disrupting. This is not a decision parents make lightly. It is heart-breaking, heart-wrenching and agonizing. Most of the time, it is NOT about the parents and their lack of preparation (although it can be), but it’s about the children and their behaviors/issues just being too big for that family. You haven’t shared enough detail for me to specifically address your situation, but in general terms I can tell you some of the things I know about disruption and kids from Africa:
*It’s not the “easy” way to adopt
*The kids have issues. Sometimes they are “normal” adoption/adjustment issues and sometimes they are ISSUES.
*If they’ve only been in the country 6 months, their grasp of English is not great
*Their behavior and their expectations will reflect Liberian orphanage norms far more than US norms (and they are nothing alike)
*Their age probably really is older, even if they look small
*Malnutrition does more than stunt their physical growth. It has life-long effects, some of which can not and will not be overcome in this life.
*Raising kids who have a history of life in an orphanage, abuse, neglect, malnutrition is NOT like raising your bio kids. (So, you know how your 5 year-olds normally act, right? This one won’t act that same way much of the time).
*We live our lives based on our own culture so much of the time that we are almost blind to it. I adopted a 7 yo (well, 7 to 9 yo) from Africa. She had never held a pencil and could not scribble, copy simple shapes, tell the difference visually between a number and a letter, understand the concept of a written number representing concrete objects, etc. But, she knew how to grind corn, how to erect a shelter on the streets (where she slept with her birthmom), and how to get food. Another African son knows how to butcher a cow and how to run really fast while barefoot – but those aren’t everyday American skills.
*Sexual abuse is common in Africa. Very, very common.
*It can work out really well, but it can also tear a family apart.
*In spite of it not being “your fault”, you will get the blame for all of the losses in their lives – birth family, first adoptive family, orphanage family. Who knows why that it, but it is.
*They won’t be grateful to you (or at least not until they are much older)
*Work WITH the family that is disrupting – don’t ‘demonize’ them. It’s not their fault, either, that the kids have issues bigger than they can safely handle.
*Be willing to listen with openness and understanding when the parents explain WHY they are disrupting. Don’t discount what they have to say AND realize that at 6 months home, they don’t know the full story of their kids lives in Liberia.
*Respect the love that family has for these kids.
*Understand that they are feeling desperate, beat up and burnt out right now. It’s a hard place to be.
*Expect details of the kids’ lives to come out after months and/or years, as the information becomes pertinent or they feel safe enough to share.
*Expect that it will be harder on your bio kids than they think
*Expect that it will be harder on you than you think
*Expect the bonding to take longer than you hope – a general rule of thumb I was given as a new adoptive mom was one year for each year they are old when they join you.
*Go into it KNOWING this is what you are supposed to do, no question, absolutely had confirmation that this is the right thing for you, for your family and for those children.
*Learn from the scary stories – they are real experiences, that happened to real families who generally did not think it could happen to them
*Do the “Eyes Wide Open” workbook and go into this with your “eyes wide open”
*Don’t discount the words of caution. Pretty much without exception they come from people with hard-earned experience – and it’s usually been painfully learned.
So there ya go – be careful and aware and know that sometimes it turns out to be a wonderful thing for all concerned. Good luck. (I really mean it!)
Mom to Many
July 24, 2008
This comment is in response to the question about adopting from disruption. I am a mom to many, most of whom were adopted and our last adoption was a sibling group of 3 older children. Previous adoptions were challenging but this was beyond that. They have been extremely challenging and we have considered disruption because we were concerned over our ability to keep our other younger children safe. We would still consider it if things got to that point. I know other people who have successfully adopted from disruption and it has worked out great, but most of those cases were where the original adoptive parents didn’t have the resources or knowledge to handle things. We continue to be hopeful that disruption won’t be necessary for us, and if someone else came to me, I would want loads of information before adding children to our family who are older. So, that’s my input and I hope it doesn’t sound too negative but I want it to be realistic. Disruption would certainly be our last resort, and even if it became necessary, I have a hard time imagining another family that would be up to these challenges unless they were very experienced and had no other children in their home.
Annie
July 24, 2008